2009 Confession

Goal Planned for 2009
a) Semester empat selesai, IPK minimal, 3.63
b) Semester pendek selesai IPK 3.68
c) Softskill:

  1. Vice President HIMA

  2. Successfull BEM activist

  3. AIESEC Manager

  4. Accomplish another activity in AIESEC

  5. Accepted as Cost Accounting Teaching Assistant and give best contribution ethically & professionally.

  6. Coming back to Debating Community

  7. Getting new bestfriends, and old bestfriends becoming new families

Just to share, in 2009 I only accomplished two of them, almost failed one of them, resigned in two of them, was rejected repeatedly in one of them, was not even trying for two of them, and I was completely failed for the last one.

I have ever updated my facebook status by saying “PEOPLE CAN EXPAND THEIR LIMIT” until “Mr So Far So Good” commented that I have to let it go because god created everybody having their maximum limit. That’s why I resign from some of my goals that have been planned: to focus more to the contractual job and give my best efforts in it.

So, maybe, some people can guess what are the 2 accomplishments I have for last year. One of them that I accomplish but almost failed was done lately.

Just share, it was a very lonely hard time for me because everybody didnt think what Ive done is a good idea. Everybody didnt know that I was in so many pressures in many part of related people. I was in the middle of norms, ethics, sympathy, and professionality. I know people was mocking at me even my own team and friend. I was so sad, but I kept it going. Even somebody called me “oknum” and fyi it was so humiliating for an idealist like me. I didnt intent to do ANYTHING without ANY REASON.. Until one day all things are clear and they’re finally understand my way of thinking, I felt everything’s paid. But still, A scar crossed my heart. Accidentally, I cried, and it was in front of my senior. She was one of my idols.

from that moment,
I thought “I dont wanna have this scar anymore”. But then, I realize, that was not the only scar I had last year.

I was COMPLETELY FAILED for the last goal I stated above.

Honestly, I cant say anybody as my bestfriend because everything that has been happened has devastated my hope about the essence of bestfriends. Bestfriends only the theme of the dream I was looking for. The sweetest dream ever, and yet, the most hurtfull one, because I write “dream” after the word “sweetest”.

People begin to dissapear and I realize there are no bestfriend, and old bestfriends are not able to be as close as families since we are getting older and busier. And “ME”, “AS THEIR BESTFRIEND” may stated in the 7th, 10th row of their list (or even no smaller than 2 digits).

From those beginning paragraphs, I analize that I CONSTRUCTED SUCCESSES AS AN IDEALIST BY MAKING SOME OF MY GOALS FAILED and I will tell you why.

I dont know how about the other idealists, but for me, I want to give betterment to the world. But not that far, I wanna start with people around me. I want my team, my friend, my student, and even my enemy are getting better in any part of life. I even always close my ear when they mock at me and close my eyes when they show me their hateful face seeing me. Its because, ‘a better life for them is a succesfull thing for an idealist like me’.

I want me to be usefull for them and make a better life for them. That’s why I always force my bestfriends (or even just friends) in my team to keep getting better. I dont want people blame me when my surrounding is getting worse in certain part and they see me doing nothing to do with those wrong phenomenon.

let’s say (extremely), If a bestfriend let some certain things happen in the wrong way,
‘Ely & Elo are bestfriends. Elo is a very lazy boy and Ely let him to be. One day, when they’re growing up, Elo become a buggler and Ely become an accountant. One day, somebody say to ely,
“see what happen to ur bestfriend.. Arent u going to do something about it? Like take him to be one of ur worker or something. Can you? You are his bestfriend, arent you? What bestfriends are for if you’re not doing anything for him concretely?”
And Ely’s just confused to do something right as a bestfriend in the middle of SYMPATHY and LOGIC.”

If I were ely, I actually kinda person who choose to look for a JOB for elo event though elo felt "ok" to be buggler.. Some of u maybe know why:

I have BESTFRIENDS on my 3rd row in priority list after religion and parent. But as an idealist, I dont wanna do such collusion or unethical behavior BECAUSE A BESTFRIEND.

If I see something bad, and I just do nothing, so I can say its an unethical behavior. Because I let it happened on them. At least that how the idealist work.

A bestfriend may say “Please let me do it my own self” or “Dont Help Me” or “Dont care of Me”.
But as long as Im a bestfriend I ONLY can say “I CANT!” because this is me as a bestfriend:

I have a commitment to help you create a happy life.

And This is my curse:
I dont give myself any other option for helping or not helping to create a happy life. Just like what I will do if I have babies and husband.

But unfortunately, HOW Im telling everything seems to be wrong.


My closefriend say, I may have a noble intention, but my thoughts seems t be “different” and my words seems to be “hard to accept” for them, not enough by saying that, she said “Its not easy to understand a person like you, Dea”.

Then I directed to my junior hi’s bestfriend testimony about me as a bestfriend. When I ask her, ‘what do you think about me’ and she said: “I dont know you at all”

And I realize, what’s look, unfortunately HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE OPPOSITE of my intention. The world feel, Im too selfish while I want to set the highest accomplishment for the team, too stubborn while I want to protect them, too expressive by debating all the argument while I was trying to cover what I really want them to do”, and last I was considered as an “oknum” when I was trying to be “the police” of every unethical acts.

I learned that it was because I just dont wanna tell people how Im doing certain things and why. I dont want to use politics or other kind of tools to affect them say everything I say, or nod for everything I tell them to do. My maximum border is as far as I saying straight: “I DONT LIKE THIS AND THAT”.

I always dont want to use politics, a*s-kissing power, or even just say “smooth sentence” rather to “straight and strict” to make people nod. Because I want them to think fast by their own self and I was too arrogant to tell, so I force them to follow how I think so they can fix everything in their own way because they beleive it’s right or my saying was not completely wrong.

So, I was never telling in exact word, I chose to kept ARGUING and DEBATING their way. But the consequence is that almost all people dont think in the same way with the way I hope, then everything goes missunderstood until fights, peer-review time, truth-or-dare-time, or even until a best friend said this in front of people that know nothing about my problem “You dissapoint me! You make my friend cried, you are not professional. I hate you.”


Now Im getting scared and doubt about what Ive been doing and thinking about “betterment”.
Now Im getting awake from my sleep and learn to forget my “sweetest dream” ever.

Then I began to think that probably bestfriend is not A NOUN but AN ADJECTIVE.

This far, I consider bestfriend is a noun:
“ XXXX is my bestfriend, YYYYY is my bestfriend, XXX is not my bestfriend she is only a friend because I have never asked her to be my bestfriend yet.” And bla bla bla..

But until now, I never forget who are the exact people that try to STOP me when I was gonna commit suicide. I never forget who are the people when I my body was full of blood. I never forget who are the people that comfort me when I cried and screamed in a room because a pschytrist came to my house to check out whether I was really in depression or crazy. I never forget who are the people who take care of me when I have a very hard sick until 11 PM or even taking me to the hospital when I was having accident. I never forget the people who help me when somebody that’s important for me was actually ‘gay’.


The next day of craziness, most closefriends dont see ANYTHING only because I dont tell them that I was dying in life, until I exploded by crying in campus.

When I have the tradition to “ask formally” when I want somebody to be my bestfriend by saying “will u be mybestfriend” and sometimes give them cute gifts to show my feelings, unfortunately, my essence doing it for create a CLEAR COMMITMENT for the bestfriendship is not working.

I was still “bertepuk sebelah tangan” in a bestfriendship.
I even asked somebody as a bestfriend, and she said “I DO I DO I DO” (and succesfully made me so flattered, shy, and extremely happy) but the next day, next week, and next month, she even seemed not aware if I were around or not. That really broke my heart.

To sum up,
I actually dont have the “communication skill” when ordinary people see me definitely have it. Just like what’s summarized in peer-review.
I actually a “complete idiot” about friends when ordinary people see me smart.
I was actually an “introvert” when people say that Im an “extrovert”.

So know in the last month of 2009 I was trying to show people the next year me. Im not going to imprison anybody of you my friend unless you want me too. Because to be honest, I always love when (for example) Ridha was furious at me because I refused to eat, or when Wisnu complained when my clothes was “melarat-melorot”.. ;p

I want you guys keep me doing everything better everyday. Not because you’re my bestfriend. But because I actually voluntarily want to be care of. And when I argue you back, just keep debating, because I actually love it.

Im really sorry when a closefriend ask “Why everybody’s changing” or if a friend comment “Dea berubah ya. Gak pernah bareng2 kita lagi”. I was too confuse too behave as a friend and bestfriend. Im afraid my protective thoughts are not really usefull for you and oppositely make you hate me (and I thought probably always does). Because Ely said everybody doesnt like to be forced. Everybody doesnt want to hear that what he/she’s doing is wrong especially when it’s delivered straightly and harsh.

Because a noble intention may seem oppositely evil when it goes THROUGH ME.


I wanna grab hands, but Im afraid, Ill squeeze.

Im really sorry that every love I give actually hurted, then you guys finally mock and hate me.
Im sorry if my love for a bestfriend was completely cripple and blind for you.

I was shattered and tired.
But Im proudly say, Im not entirely sad this year. Me and my family is getting better now. I have a funny boyfriend that 24 hours ready for making me smile. I have so many things to do for job, projects, and academics for a professional life.

Even If I am sad, its not because you mock behind me or hate me.
Its because I knew some of you was not comfort when Im around and irritated but I cant just erase wht I beleive. That’s why I choose to stay away in some part of things.
Im sad because I actually forced you to be my bestfriend.
and Yes, I was too dumb to not to think Im not a good bestfriend afterall.

May all of you have a great improvement and succesfull life in 2010.

And one important thing has to be noted is
“My love is still an ordinary love. It’s barely able to be spelled. Please understand..”

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